A piece of sunshine

[김애란] Mystery of dying

김애란

Mystery of dying  

 

By Kim Ae-ran

 

 

 

Once a month, I visit my mother who is 98 years old and in a nursing home. As times go on, I notice the signs of approaching death are revealed little by little. Above all, her toes and fingers are becoming colder and bluish.

 

In the Gospel of John 12, 20-33, Jesus talks about his upcoming death with the symbol of a grain of wheat: "I tell you most solemnly, unless a wheat grain falls on the ground and dies, it remains only a single grain; but if it dies, it yields a rich harvest." 

 

When a grain of wheat is dropped or falls to the ground and dies, it is multiplied and bears many grains and fruits. Becoming small and being humble give a true life in the end. Being multiplied means to live a cheerful life and to share with generosity. Becoming abundant is possible when we renounce the selfish ego, serve others, and are willing to share one another.

 

A grain of wheat remains no more than a single grain when it doesn't fall to the ground and die. In other words, when we are not humble, when we don't renounce the ego, and when we don't serve for the goodness of the community.

 

Just imagine that we hold a grain of wheat in our hands. We grasp it tight without letting it fall down onto the ground. What would happen if we die with a grain of wheat we are holding tight in our hands? Eventually, it will dry and become stiff as it is. As time passes by, it will be like a fossil. It will just remain as it is without being transformed and multiplied.

 

However, if we open our hands and don't grasp anything, it will be free to fall and go down deep into the ground. Undergoing the process of becoming smaller and humble, it will finally result in a wonderful inward journey of transformation.

 

Dying in our daily lives means renouncing the selfish ego and the stubborn self-will so as to believe in Jesus, listen to his appeals to love and to be merciful, follow in his footsteps even up to the cross, and serve willingly and freely for the goodness of community. Dying requires many kinds of stopping bad habits such as pride and prejudice, judgment, excessive desire, pessimistic and negative points of view, egoism, discouraging spirits, vanity, face-saving, envy and jealousy.

 

Fr. Alberione, our Founder said that humility is the first most important attitude to have before doing anything else. The second necessary attitude is trust in God. Our apostolic activities and service will become more meaningful and fruitful when they are based on inner attitudes of humility and trust. Without a sense of humility and trust in God, doing many things will be like building a house on sand. Every humble service is a sign of being a grain of wheat. 

 

There are many symbols of living as a grain of wheat. Above all, Jesus Christ has become a clear symbol of a grain of wheat. So many martyrs and saints, St. Monica, Mahatma Gandhi, Oscar Romero, St. Mother Teresa, Jose Rizal, Fr. Choi Yang-up, parents, teachers, missionaries, nurses, immigrants, and all people with goodwill are the meaningful signs of living as a grain of wheat. As we can see in the lives of these people dedicating themselves to the goodness of people, God's glory is revealed through their gestures of enduring sacrifices up to renunciation and death.

 

When I graduated from high school, I thought I failed in my life. When I slept, I went down deep into the abyss. I thought I was a failure because I couldn't enter university immediately and because I lost my close friend due to my fault. Furthermore, I couldn't get a job. Everything looked hopeless and desperate, and I was so sad and gloomy. So I slept on and on many days up to the point that I fell down and down in my dream.

 

Then, one day, hope began to arise in my heart. I was fully motivated to try again, and I realized my mother praying so hard for me. Later when I entered college, my mother rented a room near the University. She cooked for me and lived with me. We were not rich, but I appreciated and enjoyed concentrating on my studies. My mother is constantly praying with her rosary for her children.

 

Like my mother, the everlasting wishes of parents are to make their children happier and more successful and peaceful. Truly, parents are the most common examples of living as a grain of wheat in the family. Thank you so much for all your drops of sweats for others!

 

 

The author is a member of the Daughters of St. Paul (Figlie di San Paolo) living and giving the Good News to the world by means of social communication. Learn more about the congregation at fsp.pauline.or.kr.


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